Toilet Bowl Blues

... to the max.

So, I work in a building that houses various companies, from obscure ones that sell computer security software and soap dispensers for public bathrooms to clean water organizations and whatever else resides up there (besides the third floor conference room/lounge where I took CPR/defibrillator training, I never go higher than the first floor).

ANYWAYS, the point of this being: There is no daycare in the building. Nor are there any children. So, please understand my frustations when I say that the bathrooms look like a legit sarcophagus. Like toilet paper strewn all over the floor, yet - and get this - neatly placed, sheet by goddamn sheet, around the seat of the toilet. In layers. If that's not enough, whoever does this - and on a pretty consistent basis too - plugs the toilet to the brim with long swirly strips of - you guessed it, his favorite play toy- TP!

I don't even know what I did to deserve this. My bathroom karma is fucking pristine. I mean, I won't even go INto a bathroom with someone in the stall. I don't talk on the phone in there; I don't make a mess; hell, I even soak up the water if I get a little crazy washing my hands.

This goes out to Brit Brit, the potty goddess: Hear my prayers.

Happy Birthday Iron Mike!

"I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him [Lennox Lewis]. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children." - Mike Tyson

Shabbat shalom, motherfuckers!

So this crazy drunk bitch is hating on Sahar now for being muslim. WTF is wrong with people? Does she not get that everything she says is nutso extremist bullshit? This woman is a total joke.

This is the same crackhead that spouts shit like "Barack Hussein Obama, once a muslim always a muslim." Get a fucking grip, lady. You may a blonde gilf, but you're still a fucking crazy suicide bomber extremist in a skirt-suit as far as im concerned.

Can you tell how mad I am? What an ignorant, hate-mongering douche-bag.

Mango Will Be Very Sad

Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay

Guerilla Marketing 101

I'm the type of person who will do anything for a page view. So, if you've got something and you want it seen, here's a list of tips and tricks I've employed in my battle for internet virility (not sure if that word works right there...)

1. Every morning when I wake up, the first thing I say to beautiful soul in the mirror: "If Paris Hilton can listen to her own songs, so can I." (Repeat 3x if necessary)

2. And this one is my new FAVE (hollllla!): On lunch breaks, I go into the Apple store and find their iPad displays. One by one, I pull up Youtube, search for myself, pull my video up, on full volume/full screen OBVS, press pause, and walk away. (Tip: If you're doing this at a retailer with a smaller selection - i.e. Best Buy - I suggest doing this, but then actually turning them ON. Then walk away. Fast.)

3. Tweet random things at Justin Bieber's fans on Twitter, and include some boggled link to your video/song (you know, like, on tinyurl.com). An example of one such tweet might be: "hey @littlegirl, here's a picture of @kimkardashian that was taken right after her death: www.xtube.com/k1ngst0n." And, voila, there's your page view little man!

4. Print: a map of the world, and another one of the US. Hang these up near a computer. Then, each day, "conquer" one state and one Asian country (I say Asian because the product I'm promoting is pop music, which they love. If you were promoting, say, death metal or a video of you pooping on someone's chest, I might suggest something like Germany or any Eastern European country. Capiche? Gut.) That said, Conquering is the act of mass-friending large groups of people from internet sites like Myspace and/or Twitter.

5. Be mindful of your audience. If you're dancing around shirtless and wearing gold things, like me, you may want to start with the gay community. Like, duh. I might even throw a little of their lingo at them in the request like, "oh Hay girl I'm fierce. My song was made from glitter and vodka." They love that stuff. And, guuurl, you'll see your page views FABOOSHING in number.

6. Have faith in what you do. All feedback is good feedback because at least they gave you a page view. However, if the feedback is particularly negative, it never hurts to steal a strand of the naysayer's hair and put an Egyptian Curse on he or she. That, or you could try a love spell and turn a hater into a SUPER FAN! (For more information: newspells.com)

6. Watch my tutorial on the above-mentioned tips and tricks: http://tinyurl.com/33emtpk

Saturday Night Beaver

So Saturday was the Real World New Orleans premier in Boston. We watched the first episode. All were in attendance. Q6Q, PrestoMajic, Mango, Kingston, and of course, yours truly. @AshleeFeldman was there with her pussy posse, and we ended up kissing in the photo booth. That's an entirely different story though.

The real story pertains to what a total douche Ryan Leslie is. See, here's my take on it. He's a misunderstood 12 year old trapped in a 13 year old's body with the tattoo's of an angsty 11 year old. That's all well and good. I'm sure he's a decent kid and they're going to make him look like a total a-hole during this season's real world.

But it doesn't help when you start acting like a total a-hole in real life too. Yes, I instigated it. But honestly, you have to be prepared for this shit if you put yourself on national TV.



I'd just like to point out - 4 retweets within the first minute of tweeting that. kthx.

Then, I get an eloquent response:



And then bam:



and boo hoo poor baby:



it's okay, love u too:




Seriously? Blow me.

R.I.P.Y.T.

#RIP MJ

BILLIE JEAN MOTOWN!
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XZGJiY2a3o]

this tan puts me to shame

This is how I feel...

...I just hope it's not how I look.

USA!

mango is drunk at work

Matt: 23oz IPAs on an empty stomach, i'm buzzin like a vuvuzella
me: marry me

and then i inserted my foot in my mouth

before i can explain yesterday's story, let me provide a brief backstory: q6q, mango, pussyposse (who doesn't write for this blog but is a total maniac on twitter), and i moved into our new apartment a few weeks ago. the halls always smell like deluscious (delicious + luscious) greenstuffs. that, and we knew it was from the apartment above us because when we open the utility closet, which houses the big furnace thing and has a hole in the ceiling (which is their floor), not only can i hear their conversations (creepy; swear i don't listen in though), but i can smell their stuff.

Fast forward to last thursday: friends were over and @ericakirkwood and i decide to go up and see if maybe they do sell. so we knock on their door and after a minute or so they call out.

"who is it?"

"i live beneath you" i say.

they open the door, and we do the introduction thing before i break into monologue.

"so.. we always smell weed. and it smells really good. and i thought it was coming from your apartment because, well, the utilities closet has a hole so i can hear" - i pause and decide NOT to divulge the fact that i can hear conversations because if a stranger said that to me, i'd feel weird- "i mean SMELL delicious stuff.... so basically... i was... wondering... and i dont mean to be all stereotype-y and shit.... but. Do you sell weed?"

They laugh. "no, but we can hook it up." Within minutes, their friend had arrived and he came through for us. awesome.

yesterday we needed to replenish. so i called our neighbor- i'll call him tom- on his cell phone. he's on his way back, says he'll call his friend. a few minutes later, he calls back.

"come downstairs. he just got here."

i go downstairs. the transaction is complete. then i decide to apologize to him for the other night (that first night we got stuff from his friend, we went to bed on the earlier side. so, i'd missed his text. and when he came down, we were obviously sleeping/unresponsive. figuring that he wanted to hang out- which i totally would; both neighbors seem pretty chill- i felt like i should explain just so he doesn't think i'm a user.)

after i explain this to him, he starts laughing.

"aw man, I'm not Tom. I'm BoBo." (this all occurred in front of his two friends in the car.)

I'M SUCH AN IDIOT!!

Feedback on my video!

Posted on Facebook by a stranger named Ryan Keeley (Kingston Army, poised to rape and pillage). He sounds like a goth or something:

"What the FUCK did I just watch. I feel like my eyes as well as my central nervous system was just skull fucked by God's dick of karma. In no hypothetical instance would I force any entity to bear witness to what I just watched. It was, without question or even a smidgen of doubt, the most atrocious collection of poorly shot, shoddily written ... See Moreand downright appalling collection of what I hesitate to even call cinema/music. I hope that no other human being is conned into watching that, and, if by some cruel twist of fate someone does, God bestow mercy on their souls. Fuck."


I LOVE MY FANS!!!

UPDATE: Rave Social has just been informed that the conductor of this hate train is actually NOT a fan; he lives under a bridge and, thus, is a troll.

And to that, we say: Get back under that bridge, ugly.

i tell it like it is.

next blog

After seeing what fun Kingston stumbled upon with "next blog" I tried the same.

Well... Happy Birthday Willy Wonka, and welcome to the World of Nonny Nu!

whoa nelly

this is the best article to date.

MTV to get down and dirty in 'Real World: New Orleans' by Lisa de Moraes for the Washington Post.

Mango:
Wait.. did somebody say Nelly?

from...Rap Lyrics of the (17)90's

"Birthed and reared in West Philadelphia, the days of my childhood and early youth were spent in the wildernesses just beyond our village, where my companions and I passed many an hour roaming free and frolicking, oftentimes playing ball sports in the proximity of the schoolhouse. I recall a certain occasion on which two wastrels came upon us, interrupted our pursuits, caused a general ruckus, and incited a fray. Upon my honour, had I not been bested by these mongrels, no doubt my loving mother would not have laid her heavy hand and decided my future in such an immovable manner as she then did. Her words, as I recollect, were 'Get thee to Bel Air forthwith, where you will live with your aunt and uncle in peace, and whence you will return only when you have become a man, noble as any other.' Alas! What choice had I, but to summon a cab and depart from that dear childhood home? How strange it was to see that the approaching buggy appeared to be painted with nonsensical lettering and festooned with the symbols of gambling and sin. Yet I disregarded it and considered it a rarity. 'To Bel Air, if you please' said I to the cabbie as together we heaved up my trunk. At perhaps seven or eight of the clock, after some hours of evening travel, the buggy came to a halt at the entrance of a grand house. After bidding the driver farewell, I regarded my new lodgings. Here would I be educated. Here would I learn my place in the family. Here would I reign, in a sense, as the new prince of Bel Air."

excerpt from RAP LYRICS OF THE (17)90'S.

BY CHLOE FILSON

[via McSweeney's Lists]

homage

an artistic interpretation of the #failwhale.

Better than all the rest

in other news: i can't stop wanting to buy shit. clothes, accessories, office supplies, appliances, useless shit.. you name it. i'll want to give you money for it. UGH.

This Charming Man

Welcome to Earth.

i'm blogging like crazy

by accident, i just clicked 'next blog' up on the blogger menu, and this is what i saw:

pictures are in order

friday night, ricky came over. we drank whiskey and went dancing at zuzu. saturday morning- because we don't have curtains- we all woke up at 8:30, went to 1369 coffee house, then the salvation army. which brings me to the real meat of my story if you will: we found a go go's record for .99 cents. then we took pictures with it.



(note: This one above was actually not taken at the same time as the others, but bobby wanted me to post it because he says he looks good in it.)

best diet ever

"we would never, ever eat
out of a brown paper bag.

i don't care if there's
a culinary masterpiece in it.

Get rid of it.

…

Don't think we're anorexic; we're not.
That's for the Karen Carpenter table.

We're not stupid; we eat—

and we eat well.

We just don't eat in public.

We don't want people
judging us by what we eat.

it gives them ammo.
The only ones with ammo are us.

Food's cool.
You need it to live.

But the mere act of eating
invokes thoughts of digestion...

...flatulation, defecation...

...even, shall we say,
complexion defection.

i'd never eat a greasy pizza.

Not even in front of
The ultra-special students...

...because they're associating that
greasy pizza with your shiny face.

A zit, a blackhead,
a cluster of pores.

it's just another vexing stress

Life is hard enough
without added anxiety

…

So, are introductions in order?"



(Rose McGowan in Jawbreaker)

inspiration

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yNKGN5GMw4s

custom made

preston - last night - kingston stood up until the break of dawn. custom making this piece for the premiere party.

wear it in style - of course.

I didn't realize Joey Crawford was refereeing World Cup matches now.

The US team just got ROBBED.

(p)oop-ed

This email that was sent out to ALL employees. Props to the office manager to have the balls to send this email to everyone.. like interns and CEOs, everyone got this email.

But the real question, is how bad do you feel if you're the guy who stunk up the bathroom SO bad that an email had to be sent... I'd stop shitting for a week, or at least until I had an iced coffee.

(p)op-ed

So, what with Xtina's shitty new music and clown-hooker outfits, Katy Perry's stupid video complete with titty cupcakes that spew semen, and Adam Lambert being... well, Adam Lambert, I feel the need to rant.

Let me share some pop facts:
1. Xtina sucks. She's a bitch in person and doesn't allow waitstaff at restaurants to make eye contact (not that anyone would want to look into her ugly soul anyways, but it's still a bit pretentious for such an irrelevant and misguided douche-monger.)
2. Katy Perry is an idiot (no explanation needed).
3. Okay, explanation: California Girls sucks. Not going to be a summer song. And the video-- I feel like I've seen it before. Oh wait, I did: Fergalicious. Candy Lands been done. She could've at least done something along the lines of Shoots and Ladders so we coulda watched her hurt herself, one rung at a time.
3. DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON COUNTESS LUANN (thank you, Q6Q, for introducing me yesterday).
4. Kingston Hughes has one of the largest things in pop music.
5. I want to be friends with Kingston Hughes. He is so cool.

Buh-Bye.

the similarities are uncanny

between

the countess: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kEDvlSAMhQU

and

kingston: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSm6tS8b1oE

bacon

i think this would be a great addition to the apartment.

i dont think the landlord (do we even have one) would be opposed.

they're small. docile. friendly. don't eat as much.

i bet we could train it.

look how cute...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mini_pig

#worldcupmotherfuckers

Up in Smoke: My Life in Cigarettes

So, I quit smoking.

Like, for real reals. And it's not so bad (thank you, Chantix), but the hardest thing is breaking routine. You see, I used to divide my work day as follows:

- 9am arrival
- 10am cigarette, despite having about three on the walk/ride in.
- 11am cigarette (I know, that's already 5 and it's not even noon)
- At noon, I grab the mail. And since I'm up, why not take a smoke break?
- Lunch break at 1pm. Cigarette on the walk to the mall. Then one or two while I'm fiddling with garageband on the foodcourt terrace. Then another to get me back to the office.
- 3pm cigarette (A note on the thought that goes into this one: "OMG only two hours 'til five! I'm so excited I could smoke.")
- 4pm cigarette ("Oh what the hell, only an hour left.")
- 5pm after-work release cigarette ("And with this exhale, I'm cleansing not only my lungs of smoke, but my mind of work.")

Thus, the question is begged: WHAT THE HELL DO I FUCKING DO WITH ALL THIS GODDAMN MUDDA-EFFING FREE TIME?!!?

And then the answer: READ MARILYN MANSON'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY BECAUSE NOT ALLOWING ONESELF THE LUXURY OF A SMOKE IS LIKE SELF-INFLICTED MASOCHISTIC BONDAGE.

(Fun Fact I learned: MM once fisted a gay man after one of his shows, on a dare from Trent Reznor.)

Buh Bye.

Ain't Nothing but a gangsta party

Happy Birthday Tupac. Still waiting for that comeback, he's not really dead, right?

Anyways, here is one of his favorite videos - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSm6tS8b1oE

Woops

After just enough BLs but too many shots on Saturday, this is basically how I parked my car at the end of the night. I'm sending an open apology to the resident of Cambridge whose car I bumper tapped, not once, not twice, but three times. No damage to your car, or mine, so basically no harm done. Although I was parked on the curb at one point.

Hopefully one day we can will meet and share a laugh, because right now I'm the only one laughing.

Not one of my proudest moments. But I basically had 3 choices:
A.) Die.
B.) DUI.
C.) Get home safely.

Thank god I'm good at multiple choice questions

to the boy:

happy birthday boy george.

49 years young still going strong after those 17 year olds.

good work.

my debit card was sacrificed.

long story short - the gays of rave social had a weekend together. a long weekend.

started with thursday - i'll leave that one alone.

friday night - house party in lowell for kirsten.

some highlights:

1. "what are you doing out so late?" (@ 11:00 PM walking the streets of lowell by a rando on a bike)

2. the slanted porch almost falling down.

3. the "questionable" drunk indian.

4. the "almost fight" in the living room.

5. "i just mean girled her"

6. ribbon dancing alone in the living room

7. champagne + cranberry juice

8. free birthday weed

saturday - the wedding

some highlights:

1. the wedding in general

2. Wendy's post church pre reception - seriously

3. open bar - JAYKAY

4. scotch on the rocks

5. the rolls

6. dancing non stop with middle aged aunts

7. spin the bottle - of course

8. getting stoned pre-dinner

9. red velvet cake

10. rambling in the card/spelling errors

11. one pint and 6 nips pre reception - the jump off

picture:

they were really enjoying their food.

saturday - POST wedding

some highlights:

1. charleston chews.

2. GOOMIN' .

3. lots of green.

4. INTENSE infomercials (MIDNIGHT SPECIAL).

5. almost buying the infomercial product.

6. 2:00 sub order (preston's obsession w/ the ham)

7. kittens obsession w/ the ham (picture below)

8. laughing non-stop

9. uncomfortable sleep on the couch.

sunday - graduation party

some highlights:

1. sleeping en route

2. buffalo chicken fingers

3. sam summer/wine

4. food food food

5. preston's nap during the party

6. croquet

7. sleeping on the way back

too tired to finish.

Help Bob...

...because he's been droppin cuck all day long.

like water

literally. by the time i got on the train at porter to kendall. i had to sprint to work - clinching and clenching.

thank you qdoba for cleaning my body out.

im ready for anal.

GET EXCITED

GET EXCITED!

Okay, so maybe i'm the only one here that's excited.

mmmmmm delish

Eat Fresh

Preston, hows that "not stuffing my face" diet going?

fail whale

also, THIS SHIT PISSES ME OFF. TWITTER! GET IT THE FUCK TOGETHER!


update:

Matt: i wonder if the fail whale is stuck in the oil spill and the birds are saving it
me: they shouldnt. let that motherfucker drown

Who's coming with me?

2010 Rainbow Gathering

A circle of individuals gathering on the land in Pennsilvaina have reached an understanding through counsel and careful concideration, the 2010 Annual Rainbow Gathering of Living Light will be enjoined and celebrated July 1st through 7th somewhere in Pennsylvania in the Allegheny National Forest.

Highlights:

"Get your tribe ready to join this awesome celebration. "

Rainbow Runaway Information

If you're under 18 years of age in most states and you do not have your parent or guardians permission to be traveling to a Rainbow Gathering you may be listed as a runaway. There are some things you can do to protect yourself and your brothers and sisters you may be traveling with.

First off, make sure that you feel comfortable with your surroundings. If the energy is giving you bad vibes find another place to hang or buddy up with someone that you trust. Keep your appearance and health up. It is a good idea to eat a well balanced meal at least every couple of days. If your snacking on what's available try to pick foods that are natural and high in proteins. Fresh fruit and pasta are good as are servings of bread and cheese. Drink plenty of water even if your not doing anything. Brush your teeth, change and launder your clothes often. If your having sex please protect yourself and your partner. Pregnancies happen as do sexually transmitted diseases....

Parents of Runaways

If you suspect that your child has run away and may be at a Rainbow Gathering we offer these suggestions. A Rainbow Gathering is a very good place for your child to be when you consider the options of most any city world wide. There are lots of very loving people who care about our younger brothers and sisters but it goes much deeper then that. The youth of the Rainbow are very smart and resourceful folks, they have a lot of respect for each other and their surroundings.

In the kind time, please know that our hearts go out to you and that we wish you and your child all the best. Many of us are parents too and may have runaway once. One thing is for sure, if your child has come to a Rainbow Gathering they will be more prepared for the world and most likely have some interesting stories to share with you about the adventure. Peace

When I'm Away

Directed by my favorite little cousin/aspiring director, Kala Coleman:


When Im Away Music Video

Kingston Hughes | MySpace Music Videos

workin on the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th chin

she's lovin it.

Happy Birthday Prince!

via dlisted

big grinning

this is how Q6Q feels when Kingston Hughes tickles his taint



via dlisted

i've had enough

ok - if you're gay - that's one thing.

if you're not - that's another.

but enough is enough.

don't come hang out with us on multiple occasions - text me at all random hours of the day and night and then back down.

you come over - we smoke you up and anticipate/expect a romp.

tonight - you're going to machine - and invite me to go with you?

what is the deal.

dude - put your mouth on my dick and end it all.

photo

I used Shazam to discover Bad Romance by Lady Gaga

	Hi, I just used Shazam to discover Bad Romance by Lady Gaga and thought I'd share it with you.
Shazam users on iPhone and iPod touch, tap here to add this to your Tag List.

I have so much more: follow

Sent via I-Intellegence

way too long

So it's been way too long since my last post and several things have
happen to me in just a short time. 1 I realized that I'm just as
important as my friend Mango which is sad since I'm on television. 2.
When I came back home from New Orleans I gained 15 pounds and it
showed, thus I've been on a bit of a workout plan that includes diet
limitation...Yes I know stop eating is not the way to lose
weight. Well that's not what I am doing, what I am doing is no longer
stuffing my face with everything in sight. Also the trailer for the
show just came out and I mus say that I'm quite excited. So far now
I'm unknown and undiscovered but aren't we all.

Sent via I-Intellegence

Ballin, Sebago Style

Mango's lovin himself in this pic.

gchat Update:

Matt: hahaha LOOK AT THAT FLEX
me: looks GOOOOOOD on ya
Matt: i'm surprised the boat didn't sink when i started flexing
me: i hate you

For the record

At one point in time, Preston and I had the same amount of Twitter followers. I realize that this number will skyrocket within the next month, so I needed to document it. Vain? Deal with it.

UPDATED AS OF 6/3/2010

mmang0: 59 followers - PrestoMajic 58. suck it