Going Gangrene

So, if you're like me and sick of the "going green" trend, here are few cool tips to go green... the alternative way:

1. Forget TP. Instead, try wiping with a paper bag from your local grovery store. It hurts, but atleast you're saving a tree.

2. Who needs paper when you can write on the walls?

3. Wear fur. Especially the fur of animals that eat plants. Why no one is criticing the giraffe population for eating all the damn leaves off trees is beyond me.

4. Shit outside. Fertilizer.. duh.

5. Eat plastic bags. This way, they'll break down in your stomach and, thus, will probably be able to be recycled.

6. Stop flushing your toilet. Your roomates may get mad, but who are they to defy Mother Nature?

7. Stop taking showers. Try the Benjamin Franklin Fresh-Air approach. To do this, stand outside naked in a windstorm and let the cool breeze wash away your sins and whatever else you need to wash away.

8. Collect all the cigarette butts from the ground and do arts and crafts with them (for inspiration, look to Lady GaGa's cigarette shades in the "telephone" video).

9. If you can't figure out how to make the cigarette glasses (or you just don't have the right glue), try eating them instead. Kirstie Alley did this to lose weight so it can't be all that bad, right?

10. Wear smaller shoes so that your carbon footprint isn't so large.

11. Last but not least: Think green. Just think about the world looking really clean and uncluttered and it should help. It's that whole positive thinking mentality type of thing. I think.