once you realize you've got a problem, it's a surprisingly optimistic feeling. kinda like sitting at the bottom of a well and knowing the only place you can actually go is up to that light at the top of it. i've always been a huge fan of change-- if not OCD about them. i mean, i rearraange each room in the apartment almost daily. so there's no reason to not enact it on a personal level.
and there's no reason every day needs to be seen through a fog. or not seen at all, depending on the severity of whatever concoction i'd made that afternoon. yes, afternoon. i used to be content, like all the time. like, didn't think about these vices constantly. i have hobbies that i've not touched for too long. and nothing is worse - and less justifiable- than apologies the morning after for things i'd never in my sober mind see myself doing or saying. plus, no ones wants to be the embarassment in a group of friends. that is a role reserved for people like mel gibson, or madonna's brother, Christopher-- people no one ever imagines themselves being. but unlike with flaws, we knowingly let some things slip under the radar.
that said, it's the death of whiskey breath, not kingston. he'll live on in all his glory, and will go on to wear the most beautifully golden wigs in all the land. i just want to go back to being crazy all on my own, with no help from poisons. there's no doubt that crazy is innate, so i'm not worried. i'll have it back in no time.
i'm reclaiming the fun. and silencing the trouble maker.
so, in ending this serious post (yeah, i can be serious and stuff, but i try to keep it on the dl, so no linking to this, lol) this is a final apology to anyone that's been affected by this in any number of ways. i hope you don't think i'm a lost cause, because i don't think i am anymore.
ok, now that this is over, take a deep breath and laugh or do something stupid. my least favorite note to leave on is a serious one. and even more than that, i'm dreading pressing the Publish Post button because, well... it's embarassing. but whatevs.
i only wrote this here so i could be held accountable for it.
